With me is the pain that I have kept throughout my whole life. Without being able to break down, the anger waits and thrashes around my insides. With the idea that nothing can get better, or worse. The question, why am I here, when someone more deserving should be.

Do we all deserve this?

Is it going to be okay in the end?

I miss the world when I'm not around. I sometimes try to catch up with everyone, everything. I try to do the right thing, the smart thing, the thing that everyone else wants me to do.

Yet I cannot. And shall not. I will not be treated badly if I do not copy or obey. I will not be punished for talking back. I will not lead, yet I will not follow. I'm just not the type. I have my own opinions, and thoughts. I have my own style and personality. Even if it isn't clear.

I have everything and everyone but I still feel the loneliness. This feeling, like no one will see me again. It's like I will be alone, and afraid for the rest of my life. For the rest of eternity even after I'm no longer breathing in the world and blinking my eyes shyly at the ground.

I sometimes wish I could say that I mean something special to someone. I wish I could be something special. I wish I could feel worthy. To look in a mirror, smile, and say 'i love myself', including everything going on around me.

I don't know exactly what's wrong with me but I know that it's normal. I know that sometimes, these odd feelings and thoughts I have are somewhat average and it relieves me that others have them too. Maybe.

For now, I'm going to live my life. If that means that I'm going to be afraid all of the time then sure, I'm going to live in fear, or in sadness, or in joy. Who knows what I'm going to be like tomorrow, or next year, or when I'm thirty-nine, have a job, a husband, a child, a divorce, an affair, a wardrobe full of clothes that don't fit me right. Who knows what the future holds. Who fucking cares?

I want to be that nice person.
That everyone can relate to.
That takes really pretty photographs.
And who you envy sometimes because she's so close with her boyfriend.
I want to be nice.
And kind.
And generous.
I don't know how to sometimes.
I don't think I'll ever be that person.
I don't think I'll ever have time to be that person.

What has gotten into me today?

I can't help myself sometimes. I need new friends. I need a new face. I need a new me. I need to be someone different because I am definitely not happy with myself.
I think I'm in love? But I know I'm not. My boyfriend loves me more than I love him. Is that bad?
I'm sure his ex loves him more than I love him. That's bad.
I want to live somewhere else. Maybe England. Maybe Germany. Take me away from Canada. I can't take these stupid rich kids anymore. I hate private school. Let me out.
I need out of my life. It's depressing.
All my friends piss me the fuck off. I bet I'll regret saying that in a week and then I'll change my mind again and hate them all over.
I'm an angst filled child. I don't know how I became so opinionated. It's terrible. I'm a mess and not the good kind of mess.
I want to be older so I don't have to deal with these children.
I want to be someone else for a year and see how life goes.
Shitshitshit. Why do I hate everything?

I have strep throat and I'm in love.
What a great combination.

SO, inspired much.
I came across this rather mysterious lady on flickr.
She's quite spectacular actually.
I need to be a better person.
I can't wait until I'm older.
But right now, I think I'm happy to still be a little wee teenager.